Cullen’s Corner Letter of the Day, “What is it in ME that keeps being deceived by men? Is It MY Fault?”
Cullen’s Corner Letter of the Day, “What is it in ME that keeps being deceived by men? Is It MY Fault?”
Dear Cullen and Corner Family, I write to you today with a heavy heart, seeking your guidance, understanding, and wisdom regarding my experiences with relationships. As a woman who has faced numerous disappointments, I find myself pondering the recurring question of what lies within me that attracts deception from men. Let me share a glimpse of my life. I am a woman blessed with three wonderful children, aged 20, 14, and 1, and I have achieved a high level of education and professional success. My roots are deeply embedded in a Pentecostal and prophetic church, where I have sought spiritual guidance throughout my journey. It was within this community that my pastor encouraged me to marry my first husband, assuring me that it was in accordance with God’s will and that I would be a positive influence on him and his children.
Trusting this advice, I entered into the marriage with hope in my heart. Prior to that, I was previously married to a man who had experienced the loss of his wife, leaving him with four children, two of whom were diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). His son faced significant developmental challenges, while his daughter struggled with limited communication skills. During our marriage counseling sessions, it was implied that I would assume the role of a dedicated stay-at-home mother and caregiver. However, as time went on, it became apparent that my responsibilities had become more akin to that of a full-time babysitter, rather than an equal partner.
The strain on our relationship grew, leading to separation and ultimately divorce. As I dedicated myself to the role of a housewife during this period, I had to put my education and career aspirations on hold. Additionally, I played a pivotal role in helping my ex-husband secure a better job by writing a detailed letter to his current employer. Sadly, once I gained financial independence by working outside the home, our relationship rapidly deteriorated.
One fateful night, my ex-husband abruptly took his children away from me, severing our ties completely. Subsequently, he filed for divorce, and his family, who owned the house we resided in, had my daughters and me evicted. This was an incredibly challenging and painful experience to endure.
After my divorce, I eventually met my current husband. We spent over a year engaged, ensuring that our decision to marry was the right one. During our engagement and subsequent marriage in 2019, I continued my educational pursuits, successfully completing my undergraduate degree and nearing the completion of my Master’s program. When we first met, my husband’s income was modest, but it doubled after we got married. As a daycare teacher supporting my two children, I understood that our combined salaries would only just cover our expenses.
In our marriage counseling sessions, my husband proposed splitting all financial responsibilities equally, but I expressed my reservations about this arrangement. In fact, he even suggested canceling the wedding altogether. I removed my engagement ring, assuring him that I had no qualms with that decision. Eventually, we reached a compromise where I would be responsible for utilities and groceries, considering our dietary differences as he followed a vegan lifestyle. However, during one argument, he belittled the significance of grocery expenses, claiming that he was contributing more than me and accusing me of taking advantage of him. In response, I immediately stopped purchasing his food and cooking for him. During this time, I redirected my career path toward Public Health, which propelled my professional growth. However, my husband insists on having a child together despite my request to wait until I complete my Master’s program. Sadly, my inclination to be a submissive wife, as taught in our religious community, led me to put my own aspirations on hold and comply with his wishes. I even encouraged him to pursue further education and offered my assistance with his coursework if he pursued an organizational leadership certification. However, he declined my offer.
This decision sparked more arguments, petty disagreements, and, in my opinion, a sense of jealousy within our relationship. I must admit that during one heated argument, I retaliated by mentioning how my increased income was a result of his initial support, effectively bringing the confrontation to an end. My husband insists on marriage therapy, but he refuses to address the issues we have in our intimate life. He firmly believes that it is solely my responsibility to satisfy him, asserting that my own happiness stems from pleasing him. It is disheartening to acknowledge that both men I have been involved with are pastors who initially promised me a life of abundance and happiness. Both employed biblical teachings to enforce the notion of submission upon me. Consequently, I find myself feeling lost, betrayed, and questioning whether it is my own fault for allowing myself to be repeatedly manipulated and deceived. I am eager to hear your thoughts, dear
Corner Family and I am grateful for any guidance and support you can offer.
Signed: Deceived, Divorced & Determined to Try Again…
